Confession

I am sharing this with you because I want to hear back from you. I hope that after reading this, you will be able to offer your thoughts and some advice if need be, in the comments section below. I am one of those women that want women to have equal opportunities with men, I detest oppression in every shape, manner or form and especially from the opposite sex. I am also generally amused whenever a woman proclaims that she is not a Feminist. Amused because I do not have the patience nor range with which to examine why any woman would want to remain disenfranchised in this life, compared to men folk. I take it that a lot of men in Nigeria are yet to accept that Feminism or Gender Equality is something of a phenomenon that does not care for their thoughts and feelings rather, it is centered around all women, their rights and freedoms, their education and health, their bodies, and all the spaces they should occupy in the world.

In Nigeria, heterosexual relationships are the norm, our culture as a country, is popular for upholding the celebration of marriage between man and woman in very high esteem. Marriage is the fulcrum of Nigerian Society, it is the singular most unifying force that cuts across religion, tribe or tongue. Our National football team used to be number one but then Weddings came along. The coming together of a man and woman to start a family is considered as a defining milestone and every self-respecting young Nigerian is in fact expected to aspire towards marriage. Considering the influence of the various religious practices inherent in the country, Nigerian ethnic groups have diverse views on the celebration of marriage or what a wedding ceremony should look like. Common elements of wedding ceremonies that exist across the country are payment of dowry, music and dance, a large gathering of family and well wishers, lots of food and drinks, the compulsory parental blessings and the beautiful attires worn by bride and groom on their special day.

There’s a blossoming Nigerian Weddings market in the country, from catering, MC, DJ, Comedian, events planning, decorating, make-up to photography an industry has emerged organically from our collective obsession with marriage and wedding ceremonies. Within a decade we have seen the exponential growth of these businesses that service the Nigerian Weddings industry, young entrepreneurs abound and our economy is benefiting from it, we are eating the fruits of our marriage obsession. The feedback is indeed very encouraging, every weekend there’s a big wedding ceremony taking place somewhere in towns and villages all over the country. Our wedding vendors are very creative, the Comedians never run out of jokes, Nigerian parents who have unmarried adult children are asking their heirs, “when will you introduce him/her to us?” Not minding whether or not there’s a him or her at all. Aunties and Uncles are not left out, they’re all in the business of matchmaking nowadays, on a very low key even neighbours, friends of the family and well-meaning mommies in church have taken up Ẹlẹgbẹ as their side-hustle. Nigerians love a good party and wedding ceremonies are our final form of partying. There’s no party like a Nigerian wedding party. A movie on Nigerian wedding parties is the highest grossing movie in the history of Nollywood at 500 million Naira.

I have no problems whatsoever with the institution of marriage. I expect that it is clear to any keen observer of Nigerian society that our marriage culture is heavily gendered, it is essentially a ‘woman issue’. Some argue that there’s a biological clock ticking off and therefore young women should be seen to be actively working hard to beat their innate clocks. A lot of people attribute marriage to be the zenith of every woman’s social growth and development, it is evident in the way we compliment our young girls, we are quick to drop “wife material” or “wifey of life”, and in the way we bless them when they do seemingly mundane tasks around the house, “you will marry a good husband”, all these are unsolicited approval of marriageability and if anything, a subtle assertion that a woman’s purpose in life is to end up with a man who will eventually complete her because she is incomplete. The resultant effect of this kind of incessant obsessive hinting and reasoning is we are feeding the idea into their subconsciousness, that the ultimate prize is marriage and it must be achieved by all means. Sometimes we even attach an age cap to our statement of expectations, “Your mates are getting married”, as though there is a specified time appointed for marriage, some uncouth individuals go further to insult women using the appropriate-age-for-marriage social construct, “You are forming shakara, see you in Shiloh when you’re 30” when these women don’t give in to their unwanted advances.

The crossroads that is the social commentary surrounding marriage culture in Nigeria leaves me feeling like the purpose of a Nigerian marriage is to tie a woman up and I will explain. Please ignore the stereotyped nature of what I’m about to tell you and take away the message instead. We hear a lot of stories, about our mothers’ generation and their conquests in cooking for their husbands, cherubic docility and expert child-rearing skills. We also hear a lot of stories about the current rise in the rate of divorce, and we have read those harsh comments on popular blogs, about Feminists like Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie that want to sink the ship of culture and tradition by preaching to young women about their rights as human beings to be able to lead the kind of lives they want to, especially away from the smoke of the kerosene stove. These Feminists are seen as bad eggs, no kidding. Since the beginning of the Feminism movement in Nigeria, the proponents of marriage culture have waged a line of attack against young female feminists, claiming that it is their right to marry young maidens and bestow respect upon them by giving these maidens their last names, determine how these maidens work to earn a living or IF they even work at all, and most importantly ensure that these maidens cook for them. I have never seen where men are so adamant on being fed and nourished by women before. Nigerian men have very strong opinions about their nutrition coming from the labour of their wives’ hands.

This generation of young women are already on their way to heading big corporations, many of them have started their own businesses, those of them that are still in school are studying hard to become professionals and so many more are learning skills by the weekend to supplement their income. The Young Nigerian Woman ecosystem is fast changing and superstars emerge everyday from within. Nigerian girls are not smiling in Engineering, Arts, Business, Academia, Finance, Aviation, Theology, Media, Law, Health, Tourism, Environmental Sciences, Economics, etc. They are on a mission to take over. The gospel of feminism is not only talking the talk but walking the walk in our neck of the woods. All their lives, these young women have been taught and socialized to WANT to end up married (not that there’s anything wrong with wanting to get married). They are on Bellanaija in the middle of the night ooh-ing and aah-ing at pictures, choosing colours and dreaming of their Cinderella dresses. This same group of women are getting more informed in the daytime, they are the ones heavily involved in the feminist conversations going on in social media forums, arguing for women’s rights on Twitter, reading Woolf, writing about their lived experiences on Facebook, and basking in affirming poetry by Shire and Umebinyuo alike, the literary heroines of their time. They are inspired and as a result, making bolder choices, taking every opportunity available to them, the complete opposite of their mothers’ generation.

Now, my confession is that I am disillusioned by the marriage culture in my country and each time I see THE post on social media, you know the standard announcement post, a picture of her left hand with beautifully manicured fingers and a shiny rock sitting on that precious middle finger, and how can I forget the attendant “OMG! I’m so happy for you dear! Congratulations!!!” or the “You deserve it! Congratulations!!!” comments from her friends and well wishers (oozing of a mixture of surprise, jealousy/envy, sadness, forced cheeriness and hope), any previous interest I might have had dips a little more.

It is the blatant desperation in those comments that gets to me the most. I wish everyone would calm down and know that they are doing okay sweetie!

The End

Ẹlẹgbẹ – (n) Yoruba : Matchmaker.

Nollywood – Nigeria’s movie industry

Shakara – (v) Pidgin Yoruba : Pretending

Shiloh – (n) A prayer meeting held in South Western Nigeria organized by a Big Church.

Featured Image: A beautiful wedding ceremony curated by Bellanaija

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Fruit of The Testicle

Aanu had been pregnant before Femi and she made sure he was aware of this fact before going to the altar with him.

They have been married for 5 years and they are yet to give birth to a child.

Aanu read English language at the University of Abuja and graduated with honours. Her goal is to start a Nursery in her neighbourhood in the near future. Her husband Femi has a post-graduate degree in Engineering.  Aanu is from a privileged background and Femi was raised by his rich uncles and aunts. They worship in a popular Pentecostal church in Lagos near where they live. They are Shareholders in several multinationals, they own two cars, Landed property in Femi’s village, and a block of flats on the outskirts of  Lagos with very good tenants that pay them rent on time.

Lately their marriage has been sad and gloomy. It wasn’t always like this.

When they got married in 2011, they were so in love that their close friends and family members could not stop tapping into their marital bliss. Theirs was a story of a match made in heaven. They met at a Bridal shop in Allen Avenue Ikeja. Aanu was shopping for a pair of Silver sandals for her Parent’s 25th Wedding Anniversary and Femi was visiting his cousin Ire at work- Ire owns the shop. He helped her pick the right pair of shoes and he earned himself an invitation to the party. Aanu says it was love at first sight while Ire swears that She is Cupid.

They performed all the medical tests recommended to them by friends and foes before tying the nuptial knot and all their Doctors’ had pronounced them medically compatible.

Last week when Aanu stumbled upon a Comment left by her husband Femi on a popular American Gospel Singer’s Youtube channel, she felt very offended. He had written on a thread of Prayer Requests and he got 55 Likes and 30 Replies from well meaning Believers all around the World.

FEMI P. 6 days ago (edited)
Please pray for my wife to be blessed with the fruit of the womb, we’ve been married for five years and no issue.

Aanu had been pregnant before Femi and she made sure he was aware of this fact before going to the altar with him. He knew all there was to know about her past and he even said he loved her despite it. She also knew his life story so well that she could recite it on command. At least that was what she thought. The Youtube comment sowed a seed of anger and untold frustrations which brought some questions to the forefront of her mind;

1. Was Femi already fathering children elsewhere that he put the blame on her womb?
2. Was he saying that the burden of reproduction lay on her and her alone?
3. Were they no longer in this together?
4. What were her options Post-Femi?
5. Was he, God forbid, saying that her womb could not bear fruits because of her history?

Aanu needed answers. Losing sleep about the situation she decided that the best thing to do was to confront her husband about his Youtube comment.

“AANU C’MON DON’T BE CHILDISH!!! SINCE WHEN DID YOU START POLICING ME ON THE INTERNET? AND IF IT IS MAKING YOU SO ANGRY, THEN MAYBE IT IS TIME FOR US TO DO A FERTILITY TEST! THIS IS CRAZY, I DID NOT EXPECT THIS FROM YOU!” Femi was tired of her passive-aggressiveness anyway, besides, all he was trying to do was to be a good Christian husband to Aanu and she paid back by throwing baseless allegations of adultery and insubordination at him. Aanu was ungrateful, he saw that now. He had had to answer nosy family friends, neighbours and even defend her in front of relatives for five good years when they threw shade at his wife for not giving him a child and this was how she showed her appreciation. He picked up his phone and called their Doctor to schedule an appointment.

Femi was diagnosed with Idiopathic infertility after several scientific and non-scientific methods were used to evaluate him.

Aanu insisted he edit his Youtube comment to “Fruit of The Testicle”, She later forgave him after he apologized for causing their childlessness while being so ignorant about the effect his words had on her. Femi deleted the comment altogether. They decided to start the Nursery earlier than they had planned to because Femi admitted to her that he saw how excited she got when she held other people’s babies: the day he wrote the comment was the day her younger sister Toluwani came visiting with her own toddler. He really just wanted his wife to be happy and somehow, the Christian society he grew up in puts the responsibility of procreation on the woman alone that they even have special Prayer requests and Miracle healing sessions tagged Fruit of the Womb within the Church.

The End.